Brokenness within the womb

There are many women who have had to go through a miscarriage, but many do not understand what it is like until they themselves have sadly had to endure it themselves.  But all the things I have heard about having a miscarriage does not prepare you for what you really go through in your heart.

And so I have on my heart to share something that I had gone through this year that was very hard for me.  And I want to say that when we put God first in all things of our life, He will give us warnings of things to come if we will only listen and obey.  Even when those warnings are of the death of your unborn child.

January 2018 came as cold as it always is here in Colorado, but this year was different than the rest because within my womb I could feel life inside of me.   As many women sometimes go through, they can just feel it, we don’t know how or why this happens in some pregnancies and others, not the case.  But in this case, I knew within my own blood that there was another life cycle inside of my body, pumping my blood to another life source.

I did not say anything to my husband, because I also doubted myself so I kept my feeling a secret and carried on with life as normal.  At this time I began working out at the gym because after all, all my life I had struggled with being slightly overweight and this time I was going to make a difference in my life.  And on top of starting working out at the gym daily, I also had started blogging which God had informed me to do in October of 2017 and told me to launch my first blog on January 1, 2018.   And so I did and was blogging and learning all about this blogging world and how it works, which kept me busy on top of being a mom and a housewife.

With all my roles I was conducting at the beginning of the year I was pretty busy and was at the computer screen more than normal and my eyes were straining as I was receiving more and more headaches throughout my blogging experience.   But my blog was at its peak and I was seeing potential in why God was wanting me to blog, and I was enjoying it and getting good at the organized system I had in place.  And then God told me one night while I was spending time with him “You need to stop blogging, for now, you are about to go through something very painful”.

When God told me this I obeyed instantly without hesitation as I have learned to listen to God, thus probably why He talks so often and audibly to me in my life.  But I did question what it was I was going to go through that was so painful?  I know my mom had just found out that her spine in her neck was fusing together and could eventually soon kill her after being paralyzed and having all of her organs shut down one by one as her nerves in her neck would be pinched by the fusing of the spine.  This was causing her brutal pain in her body as the spine began its fusion, but there was a possibility of surgery to open the spine up which gave us hope but it was also a 50/50 chance she was willing to take.

But surgery was not an option once they had seen how far gone the fusion had become, and thus they told her there is nothing anyone could do for her at this point except give her pain medicine to bare it. (keep in mind Jesus always has the last say)

So I generally thought to myself, okay Lord it is my mom. I am going to lose my mom to this and she will die of this, that is why you told me to stop blogging because this is something I will have to deal with.  So I literally began preparing myself for the death of my mom, yes it is very hard to even begin preparing for and to wrap your mind around.  So I began to seek God more and more during this time and would find my peace for this possible outcome in the arms of my Savior and with each time I would spend time with Him, His peace would fill me up and give me strength.

Then one evening I started to have cramping, and thought nothing of it because I am generally on key with my body and can tell when I am about to start a cycle and thought this was just a cycle coming on.  So I ignored it until it had been 2 whole weeks of cramping on one particular side of my body and I knew something was not right, my cycle should have started a week ago.   And I remember thinking that maybe I was pregnant in January, and if this was a tubal pregnancy I did not have time to play games and wait it out for risk of my own life.

That evening I asked my husband to please go to the doctors with me the next day, and so we did.  As I am in the waiting room of the doctor’s office, my husband and my 3-year-old son are in the lobby waiting area.  The doctor comes in and asks me how I am doing, I explain my situation and she tells me “well, I will tell you that you are pregnant…” I instantly start to cry because I am terrified that something is wrong with the baby, and the doctor explains to me that we do not know for sure yet but that we will begin a trial of blood tests to watch the count and make our decision then.

I sat there after she had left and did not know what to think, but I instantly put my hand on my stomach and spoke life into the womb and prayed over this baby and declared life in my womb.  As tears ran down my face, I knew I had to be strong for my husband and not scare my son who both have no idea what is going on yet.

adult affection baby belly

I actually text my husband to come back with me and that I was pregnant, I don’t know why I text him this but that is what I did at that time.   As my husband walked in with my son, I was strong and tried not to cry or make it known that I was terrified, although after it was brought up I did cry a little, but wiped my tears fast so my son did not see them.  Which he did and did ask what mommy was doing, and tried to comfort me which was sweet and I told him mommy is just sad but I will be okay.

The blood tests to follow were the most terrifying moments a woman who is pregnant can endure. It is not the needle that is bad, but the time it takes to wait and see the results.  I was left in agony over this, and it was a private agony because my husband did not understand at all really what it felt like. And I do not blame him at all because after all he was not carrying this life inside of him, and has never carried a baby inside of himself to know what it is like. So I do not and did not blame him for not being as supportive and compassionate as some want their husbands to be, because they truly do not understand it like we women do.

Those hours that had passed until I received my results online were so hard, as I continued to speak life into my womb and declared that all death to leave my womb.  The results came and my numbers were in the 700’s which I did not fully understand at that time, but as the doctor had said we still do not know as much right now until next weeks tests to see if it is dropping since we did not know how far along I was.  But in my heart I knew I was pregnant in January and based on what the web says the numbers should be with how far along I knew I was, I knew something was horribly wrong.

Every 5-7 days I had to go to the hospital for about 6 weeks until the numbers were finally at a 0. Yes, I was losing my baby and had a constant reminder of this with every single lowering number I would see on that screen.  It is the most horrifying thing to watch the numbers drop as you know this means more and more that you are having to relive what this means and what is happening in your body.  It would be easier to just ignore the fact and let it happen and not go back to get tested, to have that little bit of hope within yourself that perhaps this time they would go up.  Endless searching on google of success stories of pregnancies that turned around after having low counts and numerous prayers being spoken over my womb, week after week.

As I watched the numbers go down every week, I knew what I was going through was exactly what God was talking about when he said “your getting ready to go through something that will be very painful” Boy was God ever right about this, not only was it physically painful, but my heart was being ripped out every week by a mere image of a number on a sheet of paper, as the realization of what was going on was really happening… I was losing a child.  And no one was there to mourn my loss with me, I was alone.  Completely alone because when someone tells you they had a miscarriage, what most don’t understand is that it is still happening inside of them because until the numbers are dropped to 0 they are still shedding that life within their body.   As if our body is slowly saying goodbye to our baby within our womb.

It is a funeral that only one you attend and mourn over because only you as a the mother of this child know what is going on.  I had many services for my unborn child that I was having to say goodbye to every week, because each week that I noticed the numbers going down was a week of privately mourning for my baby that I was so heartbroken to have lost, and with each test, the reality of this would sink in.

God was with me through this all, as I could actually feel his presence with me as I cried to myself in the car after each test was taken, I would go to my car and cry out to God.  And He would show up, and somehow within his presence, there was peace, even without any words being spoken there was peace in my heart.

It was at the time that my number got to 72 that I remember that as the day I threw the dirt on the grave of my broken heart for my unborn child.  That is the day I finally said goodbye and knew that there was no life in my womb to pray over anymore at that moment.  The dull feeling came over me as I had to put this chapter of my life behind me, I had to close the book on my child and leave it in the ground.  It was hard, yet so dull and truly a piece of me still mourns for this to this day, but it was this day that I realized that God has got this taken care of and that he warned me ahead of time for what was about to happen that would cause me so much pain in my life.  But God was there with me from the beginning to the end and for this I am so grateful as He truly was the only one who understood what I was going through at this time.

What I have learned about losing a baby is this, that it truly is a private mourning that we go through as women who have miscarriages. Nobody truly understands what we go through unless we have gone through it ourselves and it is a very lonely path to have to travel on, but the good thing is that the same God who is holding our child in heaven is the same God reaching down to embrace us in His arms during this difficult time.  It is He who brings life to the dead things in our life, the hardened areas of our heart that are in so much pain from losing a child, God brings life to those areas.

I have noticed that within the death of my unborn child, I had learned and grown so much in God that I am so grateful for that season in my life.  I know that no matter what I go through in life, I trust God with all my heart and am so in love with the King of Kings.  His compassion and care for us are so deep that it cannot be measured, He is truly a good God and all His ways are good in our lives, even when losing a baby.

I will say that after having this miscarriage a fear of mine struck my heart for months after this as I was afraid to have intercourse with my husband because I did not want to have to go through this again. I was living in fear of losing another baby, but today I know that it is God who gives life and in God all the power of heaven rests and God is good and no matter the life journey we may have to face, I know God will always be with me through it all- I find my peace in Him and I am okay in this no matter what my future holds!

I found out that my uterus is heart-shaped, and because of this I am at higher risk for miscarriages and breech babies (my son was breech the entire time of pregnancy) But as I firmly believe and stand on, Doctors never have the last say- God does! And when God is ready to give us another baby, we will gladly accept this blessing but until then I will serve and worship the God who is the creator of Life, and I will live life more abundantly knowing that He is always for me!

 

I will be sharing another blog post about what I did at that time that God had given me this warning.  See many would think that I just stopped blogging and lived my daily life out like I normally would, but that is not the case.  As a child of God, when your Father gives you entail about something that is going to happen it is for specific reasons, and not just for you to know it.   The reason I believe God gives some people warnings or information about things yet to come is that He can trust that they will do something about it to prepare or to war against it.  I will be sharing what I mentally and Spiritually did to prepare myself for something God had given me a warning for.  Because it is important that we not be stagnant when God gives us warnings, they are for a reason and we have a part to play in it.  So stay tuned and I will get that blog out! And please subscribe so that you can be notified when it comes out!

Thank you for reading, I just wanted to share my experience with this as there are many women out there who have gone through this but nobody explains the process of losing a baby and the effects that have on the mommy.

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Daughter of God! Wife & Mommy! Lover of all things Coffee and Autumn~

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