Have you had a well thought out plan that would change your life for the better, and then all of a sudden you run into a brick wall right in front of you, making you question your choices & plans?
In a time when all you are trying to do is change your life and pull yourself back up from falling, it seems like everything around you is grabbing you and pulling you back down even harder. This is how my year had been going, and no matter how much I cried out to God for help in the direction of my life, I would get no answer from Him. Here is my story beginning right where we left off in Chapter 3 and if you need to get caught up on the last chapter please do so here When you chose to make a drastic change in your life: A walk with God
My heart instantly began to pound out of my chest, I tried to tell myself that what I had heard was not true, that this was not going to happen, and that I did not just hear God audibly tell me this… But the truth is that I cannot deny what I heard I know my Father’s voice very well and I knew this was my Father telling me this. I questioned Him repeatedly only to receive the same response “You will lose your sister in October”.
My heart was broken, I did not know how to even stay focused on the highway, my eyes filling up with tears while trying to ketch a breath and cry out to God to save her and to not take her from me. After miles of driving down the road like this, I decided that I needed to find peace in this situation because my mind was flipping through a thousand thoughts a minute and I needed to pray and seek God in this moment for real, not for my sister and not for the situation that I assumed was going to happen in October but for my heart and my peace of mind. So when I got home that evening I spent time with God just to spend time with Him and for no other reason than just purely missing Him and needing His presence to wash over me and fill me up with peace, because I knew it was His peace that would surpass all my understanding of all my thoughts and problems including the one I so dreaded to happen in October.
There were so many unanswered things that God had informed me of but yet I would get absolutely no response from God regarding the month of October, once again just as with everything else I was going through, I would get a glimpse of something that was not too much to hang on to, and then I would hear crickets when I would seek God about it.
It had been this way for a couple months now of me not hearing the answers I so desperately needed to hear from God, but instead I would just be washed over with His love and peace when I would seek Him, almost as though His presence was telling me “It’s going to be okay, come here and let me hold you”. But that was not good enough for me, because I know my Fathers voice and I was tired of Him telling me little things that were bringing massive question marks into my life and not telling me why.
God had put in my heart that something big was going to happen in October, and then, that I would lose my sister in October, both big things that would change my life yet somehow I knew they were not connected.
I could not explain it but I knew in my heart that the feeling I have had for the last few months that something was going to happen in October was not that I would lose my sister, but that both events that were foretold would happen in the same month. This left me even more perplexed before God, but as with all storms and this one included even the things I did not understand threw me deeper into the arms of God.
By now after all I had gone through in the last year with falling in love with God I had learned to have a strong sturdy foundation, one that was not easily shaken no matter what would happen around me, perhaps God was preparing me for such a time as this to teach me to be grounded for a reason… perhaps for October.
As my life around me seemed to slip right from my fingers like sand, everything I had worked for, everything I had planned and everything I had held so dear just slowly seeing it slipping from me leaving my hands empty of nothing. My heart was ever so peaceful in God as I ran to him faster and faster with each new moment of change that was happening in my life.
Everything that I was going through was only drawing me closer to God, closer to knowing who He truly is as a Father and Lover of my life. It is an amazing thing that happens when storms seem to beat at your door and there is no place to run for all your options have run out, but the beauty is that the storm forces us straight into the arms of a loving God and for this I am very grateful even during these moments of complete loss of direction in my life, I knew the one direction I could go and find all I needed was in Him and I was okay with this.
My plan for my life was like a blank piece of paper, and all I wanted was for God to begin writing my story for me with His hand because everything I had put my hand to write was falling to pieces around me like ashes on the page of my life.
And in the middle of my misunderstanding of everything going on in my life, I received an email response from the guy that I had emailed from the dating website. He had replied to all my questions with outstanding answers that were not to be easily answered by someone who did not truly know who God was as a relationship and not just a religion.
And I was intrigued to get to know him a little more, and so I cheerfully wrote him back with more questions and this time adding a little bit of my witty personality and charm because I was interested in getting to know this man a little more. I had not put all my hope in this man and was not allowing myself to daydream about what may or could happen with him, instead I was still focusing directly on God and trusting that He was in control of my personal life and where I was going to live at the end of the month when my time here in my home was up, I knew God had it all under control and I was at complete peace with knowing this.
The guy replied to me again, and this time with even more intriguing responses and adding his own personality to the email, this drew me in even more and I was hooked in conversation with him, we began to talk as often as possible using the email system the dating website had set up through their domain, and everything we talked about was solely based on God and our relationship and experience with God and the Holy Spirit. It was a conversation that I truly enjoyed because it had been a long while that I had talked to someone who had this kind of heart before God and really lived to serve God and not just look at God as a religious icon.
One afternoon after replying to an email he had sent I was excited about the new friendship I had found and decided to tell my mom about it. I called my mom and began telling her about how I had met a guy online, and that everything we have talked about is all about God and how his heart was when it came to God telling her all the things he had said when he replied to my questions and sharing with her the enjoyment I had found in my new friend online.
Her response was something I was not ready to hear or even think about especially coming from my mother. She listened to me ramble on for a good while all about this man, and then when I finally stopped talking, with a smile in her voice she said: “you’re in love with him”. I instantly replied with a “Um, no I am not that’s impossible, there is no way I can be in love with him I just met him two days ago online Mom” My mother again with a smile in her voice argued my response, and told me that perhaps I was not in love with him directly, but that I was in love with his heart. And when she said this, I realized that what she was saying was true.
That I was in fact in love with this strangers heart, but how could that be for I had just met him two days ago and we had only shared a handful of emails back and forth in a 48 hour period.
After my mother had told me this on the phone I began thinking about it more and more, and when I would think about me being in love with someone I have never met or know nothing about, it brought a smile to my face but in a way that I would try everything in my muscle to stop myself from smiling but I could not. And this only caused more confusion in my heart, I could not understand at all how I could feel so much for someone I know nothing about except his heart before God and his relationship with God.
How is it that I could be in love with someone only because of the relationship he has with someone else, could it be because I too was in love with the same person he was in love with… God? Could perhaps God have sent this man to me in my life, could it be that God was beginning to write my story for me and using this man to do so? And if so why would God send me a man in my life when I have absolutely nothing to offer him, no home, no job, and no finances. And not to mention no plans for my future, I had no clue where I was even going to live at the end of the month.
Once again just one more thing that has entered my life that left me absolutely clueless and not understanding what was going on, and how could this all fit together. As I cried out to God even for this matter, I would get complete silence yet again. Perhaps this man that just entered my life was a gift from God, something I had been asking for or perhaps he was sent by the enemy as a distraction. I did not know which it was and the thoughts of trying to figure it all were back, there was now one more thing added to my mess of a life that I had no clue about and had no understanding in and so I continued to throw myself into the arms of my Lord and Savior to receive some kind of understanding from Him in my situation, I continued to ask God “Lord, do I love this man?
How is this possible? Is this right?” The questions I asked God once again went unanswered and as the hours turned into days this man and I continued to get to know each other’s hearts before God and I fell more in love with him the more he would talk about God. It was a feeling I had never felt before, because a part of me felt so careless and free as if I could care less that I had no financials and no place to live, I was just so in love with this man, a man whom I had never seen in person, never heard his voice, and did not know anything about him except his heart. Could this possibly be true or was this a distraction and was I full of infatuation but desiring love so badly I thought it was the real deal?
Could I be heading down a trap that the enemy has set for me in a time when I was supposed to dive deeper into God and listen for God to give me answers on what I was to do with my life?…
Hey everyone! Thank you for reading this chapter of my “A walk with God”, I hope you enjoyed it and please subscribe and find out if I truly was being led into a trap and had gotten my heart broken yet again, or if this was a gift from God in the middle of my storm!