Are you facing a big decision that could change the very life you are living?
Welcome back and thank you for taking the time to read my story, I really do appreciate your support! If you have not read the first couple chapters please do so here Where my walk with God began : A walk with God & Do you love God, or are you “in love” with God?: A walk with God I will not keep you any longer and will dive right in exactly where the last chapter was left off! Enjoy!
Beginning of Desires
Fighting the desire in my heart to have my life so much different than it was at this moment, I knew that running back to my old life would not give me the new life I had so desired in my heart and it would only cause me more pain and sorrow which I had already spent the last 10 years in and was not going to go back down that road. Instead I again ran into the arms of my Father and rested in his presence until I could feel that all of me was left with Him, so that He could fill me up with His thoughts and His feelings for my life because I could not go on allowing myself to feel the way I had, I had to submit to God and feel the way He does about my life.
I sat there in my living room pouring out every part of me onto the throne of God, asking Him to change my heart and to search out my heart and test me and cleanse my heart. I would not leave His throne until I fully felt the peace of God in my situation, and finally I did and I felt “okay” I felt that things were going to be okay, although I felt the peace I could still feel that there was something still there that was not fulfilled yet which confused me because I had given my all to God and I know that when I do this He takes it all and leaves nothing behind that I have given Him. But there was still something missing in my heart, something that I could not fully explain but knew of the desire but felt a little odd having these desires because I knew that my focus should be on God and God alone and nothing else so I felt ashamed to feel this way but I was longing for a man in my life. I was wanting to just maybe have a beginning of something special.
Not anything that would take my focus off of my relationship with God, but someone to be with and have feelings for again. Maybe it was just because I had been going through so much in such a short amount of time, or perhaps this really was a heart’s desire of mine. I did not know what this truly was or if this was a ploy of the enemy to get me distracted from my walk with God, so I instantly started to pray for direction and I submitted even these feelings to God and when I did I felt a peace to ask for a man to come in my life and be my husband. This led me to question God even more on this decision because I had already been led astray in my life and was not going to allow something I may have “thought” was God to lead me down a path of endless searching for something that God did not put in my heart in the first place. So the more I sought God on this matter the more I felt a peace, not a direct answer at all for He was quiet during these times of questioning but I still felt a peace.
Because I I felt peace I thought to go forward with maybe taking a chance to find someone out there, but because I was not into the bar scene anymore I knew that finding a man would require the hand of God to intercede for me because I worked full time as a General Manager for a busy hotel property and my time was very limited to the outside world so to speak. So I did what I thought was best, I created a profile for myself on a free Christian dating website just to get out there and try to see if perhaps God just might use this for me to meet my husband! As I began searching profiles and seeing all the men who claimed to love and honor God out there in the world, it was beginning to get a little frustrating to find out that many of these men did not serve God the way I knew in my heart I wanted a husband to serve God.
But I encountered numerous profiles that were just another dead end road to my endless searching, and so I rested from the website and poured myself even harder at the feet of God. Yet still in all that was going on around me; my heart ached to leave Iowa I wanted so much to move far away and start my own life and this was something in my heart that had been there since I was a little girl in grade school, I knew there was something in my heart that was different and that did not belong in Iowa but I could never put my finger on it, but this time it was pulling on my heart more than ever, all these new feelings and desires were coming into my heart that I could not explain with all I am going through in my walk with God and still learning daily to fall deeply in love with God, why would I begin having these desires? Were they of God? Was the enemy trying to get me so distracted that I would become a busybody and run after these desires and not my God? The questions in my heart were endless and yet the feelings and desires never seemed to cease in me, but only grow stronger and stronger as the days passed.
The feeling I had in my heart was not ceasing and so I decided to start looking for another job, hopefully, something that did not require me to work 6 days a week and be on call 24-7. As I searched I ran into many available options and was excited to be starting something new and adventurous once again, and so I decided to take a job offer in another city about an hour from where I was living it was still a General Manager position and required me to learn a whole new ball game because it was not in the Hotel business anymore but instead I was going to be managing a large complex of newly built apartment buildings.
So the adventure and learning curve was just what I wanted to get my life moving forward onto something new! I informed my current boss at the Hotel of my notice and gave them an ample amount of time than most would give when leaving, but I had been with this company for a long time and wanted to leave on excellent terms! I felt that things were really beginning to take off, a new city, and a new job heck maybe even a new home, as I allowed myself to think of the way my life would be in this new city and new job I began to realize that perhaps I should move to this city where my new life would begin! So I gave my landlord at my current house a 30-day notice because my life had finally taken off and was beginning a new chapter in my life and I was definitely riding this train out!
I had everything planned out perfectly and was searching for a new place to live with my older sister each time we would go to this town together, but nothing seemed to fall through for a new place to live but I kept my hopes up because I believed that this is what God was preparing my heart for, this new job in this new city! Things were looking up and I was feeling fabulous about it but I just could not nail down a new place to live, but as I had started this new job, however, I began to notice there were many things not right with the morality of how the company treated the tenants that lived in these complexes and also how they treated my staff, I was finding out a lot of things about this company that really bothered my heart and caused an unsettling in my stomach and the more I saw from them and observed how they did things, the more this unhappy, regretful feeling sank into my heart.
Here I was already having left my old job, given notice to my landlord and had only a couple weeks before I had to be fully out of my home and was living off of my last paycheck from my previous job to get me by. Things were starting to take a turn for the worse and the decision I would make next would plummet me into an even worse scenario. I had seen enough of how this company was treating people around me, and my hands were tied to do anything about it and I knew I would not want to continue working under such a company. So I did the worst thing a person in my position could have done, I quit that afternoon after I had a lunch break I never went back, I called my boss on my lunch break and let her know my concerns of how the company was run and that was the end of this new and exciting job that I was so eager would change my life. Now here I am left with no job, having 2 weeks to leave my home and only one last paycheck from my previous job to survive on, I was in a hard place and had no idea what I was going to do next.
Stepping out of my comfort zone
I felt scared and nervous but also had a sense of peace in my heart about all of this that was happening. When I would talk to God about what to do or where to go next the only thing I would hear in my Spirit is “October” not that is was being said to me, but something in my Spirit man knew something BIG was happening in October and my heart had an anticipation for October and I could not explain this. Meanwhile when it came to everything else God was silent in giving me direction of any kind, but I could still feel His deep and overflowing love in my life when I would focus on Him and not my situation and feeling this and know that my God had me in His hands gave me peace to just throw up my hands and say “Well, God… I’m all yours”.
With no place to work and no place to live but with my family, I decided to take a different approach to my circumstances, thinking that perhaps because all this was happening it would push me out of my comfort zone of having to live so close to family and friends. So I decided to make a drastic change and started looking for jobs all over the United States, I even had a skype interview for a resort in Hawaii and been prepping my plans to move to Hawaii which made me realize how darn expensive everything was there, including trying to get my dog into that state. So I decided after all that I had done in my research on moving to Hawaii and of course not getting the job anyway, that I would focus on more local states that offer beach and water!
I began my search in California, I love California and I love the beach so I started filling out applications there and applying for any job that I could just to get my foot in the door. I also found lodging there with some friends I had met who lived just an hour outside of Hollywood, so I thought “Okay Lord, this is definitely you, because everything is opening up in California, a job is a possibility in Hollywood and I even have room and board. So as I was planning my move to California, packing up a few boxes of personal belongings I couldn’t live without and going through everything I owned and getting rid of it, furniture, clothes, shoes, jewelry!
I was feeling very free about doing all this, and I was feeling good about it, my heart was beginning to feel not so empty but being fulfilled once again, or perhaps it was just my imagination but I felt like this was going to be it, the big move and the big start over of my life, well actually the beginning of my life for me! I had planned my move date which would be October 11, 2014 I decided I would drive down to California after I traded in my vehicle because a friend who looked at my SUV said that my car would never make it to California and I needed to get rid of it ASAP, so I also began looking for a smaller car, something that was more west coast appropriate!
All my plans were working out, and my walk with God was doing great although every time I would talk to God about my decision to move to California, again I would feel “October” pressing into my heart, but nothing, just complete silence in my move to California. I could not understand this but I assumed that because He was quiet that must have meant I was on the right track and doing something within His will because surely if I was doing something wrong that would cause me to have to backtrack, He would stop me right? And plus I could feel in my Spirit that something was going to happen in October, and I naturally assumed that I was going to get a great job in October after I moved to California because I had been asking for one, but I could not break this sense in my heart knowing that something was going to happen in October, it was a constant whisper in my heart every day “October, October, October…”
Can I really do this?
My move date was final, my belongings were almost completely gone by giving them away to family or friends and I was down to just a couple boxes of my belongings and my clothes and was ready to move to California! But then one day as I was going resting in my home after a long day of packing up and cleaning when I decided to check my dating site and see what was new on there as I have been checking it periodically throughout all the moving and cleaning out my house.
I came across a profile that I was drawn too but thought that the guy looked like a player type so I skipped over that and started browsing again but just couldn’t find any man that was truly a man of God, but I would constantly come across men who claimed to walk the walk, but only were talking the talk and I was not interested in this, if I were going to try again to see someone I wanted this man to be a true worshipper of God as it says in John 4:23 “But the hour cometh, and now is, when the true worshippers shall worship the Father in spirit and in truth: for the Father seeketh such to worship him.”
I was seeking a man like this, a true worshiper of God and I would not even begin to settle for anything less! As the days went on I continued to pack and plan, but also continued to throw myself at the feet of Jesus and cry out for answers and directions because I did not want to move without it being God, I did not want to do anything in my life anymore that only involved my decisions because after all I had been through since I started “start a new life” adventure has failed, and every plan I had made ended up badly so I was desperately seeking God to show me where I was to go.
If California was right for me because with everything seeming to be opening up for me there, it seemed like it was God’s hand moving before me preparing the way and I thought for sure this was God, but yet He had not confirmed this in my life and I was left to make a decision once and for all on my own and hope that this decision was the right one because I had only about a week and a half left before I had to turn in my keys to my home and leave or be homeless in Iowa, I had to come up with a decision right away.
As I sat in my living room I desperately began reaching out for answers, but yet still there was silence. I was feeling a little hesitant about my move but was determined that if God had not spoken to me yet to not move then I must be on the right path. But my nerves were beginning to get to me thinking of moving to a city I did not know with people I barely knew and starting a whole new life in a place where I would have no one to lean on or to help me if I needed anything, I was beginning to get a little scared about moving out West all by myself, I mean it would have been different if I was moving out there with a friend or moving in with relatives, but I was moving there all by myself.
I was getting nothing from God not even a simple “It’s okay I’ll always be with you” I mean I was getting NOTHING, that is not to say that I didn’t feel His presence and was not enjoying my time I had spent with Him, but He was not giving me any answers on the subject that I thought was the most important, instead He began just reassuring me how much He loved me and poured His love out on me in signs and wonders of things He was allowing me to see and places He would take me in the spiritual realm, and these moments of being transported as I call it were amazing and seeing the throne of God and angles and heaven itself were beautiful and took my mind defenitley off of anything in this world that I was dealing with, but when I was brought back into this realm or as some would call it brought back down to earth, I was reminded of the choices I had to make, and very soon, but yet God would still not give me a direct answer.
Later that evening I began browsing the dating website again and came across that one guy who I had thought was a player, but this time something in me decided to send him a message and so I did! My message was very direct and to the point, I was not wasting any time playing back and forth games and finding out later they were Christian phonies, plus I had already been in an aggravated state trying to figure out if what I was getting ready to do was right or not, so wasting time was just not something I wanted to do or have time for! So I sent the message thinking to myself this is so silly I am so tired of trying to find the man of my dreams, and was just hoping that God would send him to my door, knock on my door and say “God sent me here, your my wife” that is the daydream I had imagined in my head and allowed it to play out into some big fantasy romance where I would be swept away into his arms and would know as well that this is the man that God sent me… Then I would remember that this is reality and that is not how things work, a man does not just come to me knock on my door and low and behold he is the one… Or does it!!
I began to kind of feel excited but also a little worried and empty again, then moving to California for some reason didn’t feel as though it was supposed to happen as the days grew closer and closer to me having to leave my home, but I could not figure out any more plans for I had run out of all my plans that I tried to come up with and every one of them ended in failure and dismay. I could not understand why in my heart I was feeling that I needed to get out of Iowa and when I decided to actually listen to it and do something about it which is completely stepping out of my comfort zone, why then did nothing work out.
I know in my heart the Spirit of the Lord kept saying “October” every time I would even consider asking God about this, I would get nothing except the words “October” So naturally I assumed since I was moving to California in October that this definitely had to be it, but yet something in my heart was still not right. I could feel it, I knew something was not right but I was left so confused not understanding what was so big about October. And of course, when I would ask God about this sense of October, I would get nothing but that did not stop me from continuing to seek Him about this odd feeling I had in my heart about October.
I decided to go visit my older sister in the afternoon and I shared my heart with her about wanting to move to California and all that was going on in my life and we spent a great afternoon together enjoying each other’s company over some coffee on her front porch, her and I are very close and had grown even closer over the last few years she was my best friend, my only friend at this time of my life and leaving her would be very hard for me when it came time to move to California. But she was very happy for me, moving on with my life and going out and doing something new for myself and starting a new adventure!
The night was getting late, so I decided to head home and continue packing up things and on my drive I spent some time with God just asking Him many questions but getting no response again to my questions of California and then God began to speak to me out of the blue as I was driving, His voice was very audible and loud as I heard Him say “You are going to lose your sister in October” My world came to a halting STOP…
Hey, everyone, I hope you enjoyed this third chapter of “A walk with God”, stay tuned and subscribe for more of what is to come! Find out what happens next and what more God had to share with me about losing my sister and my big decision of moving to California in the next chapter of My walk with God! Thank you again for taking the time to get to know my testimony on how I became Kingdom Daughter of Denver Colorado! Also, I will be sharing later on my experiences with God in more detail and my trips to heaven as well God willing in separate blog posts in the future in the Kingdom Realm category of my blog! Stay tuned guys because I know I have had many asking for this and I will get there soon!
Stay beautiful my friend,Pamela