Have you ever found yourself at the lowest point in your life and realized that it is here that you have found out who God really is?
If you are reading this, then I must say thank you for continuing to get to know me a little more I do appreciate your support to the blog! If you have not read the first chapter of my walk with God please do so here so that you can be caught up My walk with God: Chapter 1
Empty & Forsaken Self
I was left empty, completely empty of anything I had thought I had figured out about myself. Because I had put all of who I was into who this man was, and when all of that had disappeared out of my life I was left empty and feeling forsaken by not only him but also forsaken of myself as well. I was an empty shell of a person and could not figure out who I was anymore, I operated like a robot the next couple weeks as I worked long hours pouring myself into my job to forget about my emptiness but even this could not fill the emptiness I was feeling on the inside.
During this time God had continued to speak to me saying “fall in love with me”, to someone who had just lost everything about what she thought was love and then to have to turn around and fall in love with a God whom I had thought I already was in love with my entire life, it definitely came as a surprise to me. My concern was that if I had not already been in love with God, then how on earth would I go about doing it now, and how could I fall in love with Him when I had nothing in my heart left to give, I was so empty inside and so hurt, to even think of trying to feel anything at this point was agony for me, because having to feel again meant having to remember all over again those feelings I have tried so hard to forget and close the door to and never re-open it again.
But the more I sought God the more He became silent except for these words “fall in love with me”. God had continued to chase me with these words, aiming directly to the closed door that had been so pressed up against my heart, but He kept pressing even harder and eventually I could not hold the door closed anymore, I collapsed on the floor in weeping and once again the pain, fear, and loneliness all came pouring out once again as if I had to relive my pain all over again.
It was at this time as I lay on the floor angry at myself for feeling once again and not being strong enough to handle this on my own, that is when God stepped in and picked me up off the floor as one would do to a small child, He held me in His arms and allowed me to cry every tear of pain into His beating heart. It was there in His heart where I left all the hurt, pain and fear of being alone and was able to finally sit up and take a breath and when I did, it was as if I had taken a breath of a new life again, something I had longed to feel, something I recognized from before, that something I had lost long ago.
When I stood to my feet and took another breath, I felt the strength of God rise up in me and the love of God poured over my entire soul as I stood there having the love of God poured from my head to my feet it had washed away every quilt, every shame, and every fear of being alone. I was no longer feeling empty, no longer feeling forsaken but in fact, the complete opposite I was not left feeling anything at all, because “I was not left” if that makes any sense! It was then that I could truly feel that God was with me in my living room embracing every part of me, so it was as I stood being embraced in the presence of God that I knew He was chasing after me as one would chase after their lover.
I could feel the pull of His longing for me in my heart like I have never felt before, it was a longing for me that could not be erased until He had all of me in His complete embrace. I realized that to fall in love with God, I first had to know that He loved me in such a way that only in the embrace of His presence was I able to comprehend even just a smitten of how much He loved me. At this moment I was able to look at myself in a clear image of how God looks at me as if I were standing in the room next to God looking at my self-standing there! I was able to see the hurt and pain, yet also see the healing and comfort that was being poured out on me, I realized that no one had ever loved me so much in such a way as this, that someone would chase me down in my deepest of hidden hurt and take all my nothingness and make it into something worth loving.
After being chased by the romance of God I was hooked, let’s just say that I had a huge love crush on my God after this! After feeling His love like the way I did, there was no way for me to walk away from it or slowly fade myself away from it any longer. Instead, I ran heart-first into the arms of my God every chance I got, any moment that I was alone I was on the floor in worship before my King. I had become a stage five clinger to my Lord and Savior and I was not going to stop chasing Him!
My mornings were devoted to worship and quiet time with the Lord, and even when I was at work while on my lunch break I would close my office door shut the lights off and worship God on the floor next to my desk. When I would get home I would fix my dinner with the Lord (still in communication and worship to Him in all I did) and the remainder of my night was spent in the presence of God until I would hear God say “Go to bed”! Yes that part is true, I would spend countless hours seeking Him and soak in His presence and the presence of His angels and I did not want to leave, God would have to tell me to go to bed and even then I would still put up a little bit of a fight like a child does to a parent!
I was completely head over heels in love with God, I could not get enough of Him in my life as though God is so large to be consumed that no amount of days on earth could withhold the fulfillment of consumption of the presence and goodness of our God, but let me tell you I sure tried with every minute of life I had in me! My relationship with God had taken off so quickly and it was not because God showed up and all of a sudden I could feel Him and start the relationship, No that is not it at all because God is always there and has always been there with me.
It was because I had finally made the choice to chase after God, to let go of everything in this world that has taken the place of my God. I had not realized how quickly my falling in love with God would happen, because I really thought it would take years for my heart to fall in love with God and to be a changed woman, the woman I had always desired to become but could never quite reach it. I had always had visions from God of standing on a ledge and looking across this deep ravine and seeing myself standing on the other side, except myself that I would see was exactly who I had always wanted to be, and not in a physical way either, it was a spiritual way and I was able to see my heart and character in this woman standing across from me.
But there was no way across, no bridge or rope it was just a dark deep valley that separated myself from the self I desired to be. Well during one night of alone time with God He showed me myself again in this same place, except for this time there was a very sturdy big bridge made of the thickest wood and this bridge led directly to this woman (myself) standing at the other side. And the vision of her was more clear and I was able to now see more of her features and I noticed that she was extremely happy and had such a joy in her smile, a joy that came from down deep and I so desired to run across this bridge and just hang out with her! (this is myself I am staring at, keep in mind!) I was so excited after God had shown me this, because I know that before every time I would see this vision there was no way to go across but now there was and I was overjoyed in my heart for the change that I knew God was about to perform on my heart to become the woman I had always wanted to be!
You see, there is that old saying that says when you are so in love with someone and spend so much time with them that you begin to start looking like them… this is exactly what was happening with me and the new found love of my life! I was beginning a journey to become more like Christ in the woman that I have always desired to be and I could see it, all I had to do was walk across this bridge and I was there!
The horrific news
One afternoon shortly after this experience, I received a phone call that my little sister had been in a horrific car accident where the vehicle had rolled 5 times across the highway going head-on into another car and that doctors did not yet know her situation on recovering from the accident, her daughter was also in the car at this time. My world once again stopped, my heart sank into my stomach except for this time I did not fall to the ground and weep and mourn over my sister’s accident, no not this time! This time I stood up on both feet grounded in my living room and commanded loudly that every lying spirit of death must leave my sister and niece.
I went to warfare for my sister that day and did not stop praying until I felt the peace of God in my heart about the situation. Fear kept trying to creep into my mind that my sister would not make it through, even voices that portrayed to be God told me that she would die because if she didn’t go home now, she would never make it into heaven. This is honestly what I was hearing, and at this moment I had to stand my ground on what the word of God says and not be shaken or tossed to and fro by my emotions and not be overtaken by fear and trembling. It was a fight, it really was because everything in me wanted only the best for my little sister and if those voices were correct, then I would willingly give her up to God so that she would be with Him for eternity, but if it were not God then I had to stand my ground and rebuke every lying thought.
So you can probably see that by now after falling so much in love with God and starting to walk on the right path with my Lord by my side that the enemy was not too happy about my new found lifestyle and was going to use every incident of life around me to torment me with thoughts and test me to see if I am going to stand my ground or back down and accept the lies into my life. Even that night when I went and visited my sister seeing her hooked up to so many cords in a small room, the battle raged on even more and this battle continued in my mind for a week but I stood my ground and proclaimed the word of God over her life and over her situation and would not cease in prayer for her or her daughter and after about a week I was secure in knowing that she would make it out okay, they both came out with some pretty hefty issues but they were alive and recovering!
The enemy had lost this battle, and I was growing deeper in my faith, love, and warfare in God and then the enemy strikes again with another hard blow.
The 3 A.M. Phone Call
It had only been about 30 days after my sisters car accident that I got a late night phone call at about 3:45am, I did not answer it but had a message of a woman hysterically freaking out to the point I could barely understand her, I had noticed it was my Dad’s wife (My parents are divorced and both re-married) she was trying to explain to me to hurry and call her back because my Dad had been in a horrible car accident. I did not get this message until that morning when I woke up, so I call her back right away and find out that my Dad’s brakes on his motorcycle went out as he was going about 40 MPH and it was in the middle of an intersection and as he tried to weave through moving cars on the highway he ran directly into a light pole where his body had wrapped around the pole.
My heart sank yet again, but I instantly as before went to warfare for my Dad and yes the same battle came flooding back into my mind that I had battled about my sister, I was now battling about my Dad. I thought to myself in tears, “Lord, would this battle ever stop, why is my life falling apart all around me this year? I do not understand?” I was again going through a massive blow to my heart and having to withstand the heat of the battle directly raging in front of me, and I was not sure that I could pull myself out of this one, not right after all I had already been through this year, enough was enough. I did not have this much heartache when I was choosing to live in the world, I did not have this much sorrow and stress when I decided to just not follow God completely with all my heart, so now why when I turn my heart to God and everything in my life is devoted to Him, is my entire world falling apart around me?
I did not know if I had made the right choice, it would be so much easier to just run right back into the arms of the man who broke my heart, give him a pity party story and get high or drunk with him and ease back into my old life… Oh, the temptation was there and breathing down my neck and he was only just a 10-minute drive away.
Stay tuned for the next part of “A walk with God” I hope you enjoyed this much of my life story, and again if you need to catch up on the first chapter please click above on the link! If you like what you are reading and want to learn more about my walk with God then please subscribe and you will be alerted of my next article the moment it is sent into the web world!
Much love and laughter to you all in Jesus Name!